Egotism kills...

I am sure many of us will agree that guys are very ego and they just sometimes won't give in to anyone so as to keep their pride *jaga air muka*. But hey, that doesn't happen to guys only. I too have that ego thingie deep inside me. Have you ever blurted out hurtful things that you never meant it to someone when he/she says something bad to you? For example, girl A says she hates you and you replied without thinking twice that you don't like her that much either although deep inside your heart, you once took her as your best pal. That is what ego people do to keep their face. Well, that's actually what I do. I don't know when or what or why I do that but that's what I do all the time. I know I hurt a few people once but hey, they actually did it to me 1st. So no guilt in me. Okay, perhaps a tiny whiny bit. XD

Even if I really really really like something, I will say I don't and lie to everyone including myself. At times I hate that nature of mine but I just do it all the time. No second thoughts. It's kind of spontaneous act. Because of my ego nature, I find some girls who plead and beg to be with the boyfriend back after quarrelling a bit not right. I personally will say yes if the boyfriend wants a break up even though that is not what I want and I will just act like I am okay with it. I mean I understand that everything else doesn't matter when you fall in love. But I thought begging and pleading is the guys' job. Of course you can ask for forgiveness if and only if the love is still there. The guy must still be in love with you then it is alright to plead and beg. But if the guy already say that he is over you, is it still okay to ask to get back with him? To me, it is not. Guys can anytime do the pleading because it shows that they are loyal. But girls? It shows that we are dependent, useless freak. Discrimination? Yes. But that's what everybody thinks. No? Worst still, I can still let the other person know that it is perfectly okay and no one should feel bad for the way the things turned out to be. Lol. I can be the not-useless-freak but I am a total freak on my own. XD

I can let go of something very dear to me just to show that particular person that "hey, I can do this on my own. I don't need anyone to live on." However, these things at times bring me to a slight depression because I do need my friends,my family and everyone I care to be with me. I need supports and love. Why do I push people away as soon as I found out that they lost a small little amount of interest to continue spending time around me? Why do I close myself out as soon as I feel a little coldness between me and other people? Is it the fear of rejection? The fear of being abandoned and the fear of being ignored? Is it that I rather be the person who calls it off rather than being called off? Does this pride matter that much? Will I able to bring this together again if I really put in effort to keep things the way they were or get better solutions other than cutting off all relationships? I don't know and I will not know until I really get rid of this habit of mine. It seems that people can come and be my friends and leave without considering how I would feel because I can act like I feel nothing when they leave and ever ready to smile to them when they are back. I make it look as if it doesn't matter at all. But deep inside me, I hate it. But just because I want to appear tough, I fake myself. I even help out without any condition. It makes people feel that it is alright because I will still be there and ever ready to help anyway. Trust me, I lent money to people and people just take them for granted and forget it. And I hate to ask back money because when money is in the conversation, you just stop talking. But please, don't come to me to borrow money after you read this alright? =) But to my close close friends, no, I don't ask money back not because I am shy or afraid to do so. I just feel like "belanja-ing" you.

well, I suppose Wei Wei is not interested in this post because its so serious, it can work as sleeping pills without any prescription or addiction or side-effect whatsoever.

ps: Shan Shan..Don't think too much. I can still tell you all of these that I've mentioned never happen before. Just like how you never experienced any of those you mentioned in your blog. Cool ye? XD