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Sunday, July 01, 2007

Is this what I want?

I hate explaining things. Blogging has become harder ever since I know my family reads them. I just need a life where nobody questions me. I hate to write this and go back to a curious family who ask about everything. I am so sick of it. I really feel like changing my blog again.

I have been thinking. Is this what I really want? Shutting myself out from the world out there. I told myself again and again that I will never want to go back to who I was one year and a half ago. I do not want to go back to the person I can't be true to. I don't want to lie to myself and other people and keep thinking that things will work out fine although deep down I know, nothing is right since the beginning. The whole thing ever since the word 'yes' was a mistake. Although I enjoyed my mistake but mistake is still a mistake and it had to end. I do not want to repeat that again.

But am I happy? Am I forcing myself too hard? But it has already passed. One year and a half. Isn't it enough? It is definitely enough for him. It is harder now that we start talking again. The whole chipsmore action is not helping me much. It is killing me inside and I am starting to hate myself again. What have I done to deserve this? I told myself I am okay but I don't think that's the truth.

I am so sick of myself, I hate myself and I become moody again. But I cannot say for sure that it is because of his existence. Again, I don't know what is happening. It just happens and I can't control it. How can I be happy? How can I not think too much? I am so tired of acting. Of being someone I am not and showing whatever I am not feeling. I need him to just go. I need back my life, my life when he was not around and where he will never be around. I need myself back. I really really do.

I've decided to post this up. And I hope no one will question me and just silently, read and don't ask. Just don't ask. I do not want to answer any question.

ps: chipsmore act is something I learnt from Pinkies. It means 'now you see it, now you don't' meaning it comes and go very often.

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