I thought it'll be easy

but it's worst.

The decision was not a mistake. But to have people avoiding you or staying away from you makes me wonder if I made that decision in a haste. I admit it's also how I carry myself but if everyone is going to say, "Don't want to be lamp post" at the end of the day, the only thing I can do is to hang out with the one person who won't say this to me.

I actually felt lonely. I don't know if it's right to feel this way but I actually feel like a lousy person, feel crappy and I at times hate myself when they say that.

I am a lousy friend.

Crushed

One day I'm so hopeful about life, so positive about everything

and suddenly, the next day, I'm on the verge of crying and telling myself I'm good for nothing and useless.

It's all about self-confidence. I allow people to define me. I allow people to tell me if I'm pretty or ugly, smart or stupid, capable or incapable. I allow people to go into my brain and tell me nasty things.

I am easily discourage, hard to encourage. Because I never believe in myself. I miss Uncle Sunny. I miss someone telling me I'm smart even when I don't feel I am.

Time to turn to the BIG MAN up there, He knows why He create me and I'm not created out of accident or out of pure fun. I was created because He knows what's my purpose. He enables me to do things. The moment I tell myself I cannot do it, I'm telling people and myself that God is not able to guide me to do it.

*wipes tears* =)

Mask down

I'm stressed and scared. I think I've subject myself too much to people's opinions and criticisms. I know all that matters is God but it's so hard to not be bothered of what people will think. Or if it's not good enough, what will people think? Will people think I'm not prepared? Will people think I did not put my best?

Wait a minute. Count the number of times I mention the word 'people' and the number of times I mention 'God'. I need to get myself together and pray that God will guide me to plan this. It's supposed to be a fun outing where we gather God's people together and welcome them to our PKA family but now it's stressing me out. Am I losing the point here?

I don't know. =( All I know is that I don't enjoy it as much now. Need to find back my purpose of doing all these.

Mask up again. It's tiring but it's easier.

Mood swings

Raining heavily outside. Best to sleep in and just do nothing but roll on the bed. Had a terrible week I would say. I would love to blame it on PMS (which could be partially true) but I think deep down inside, I know it's me. It's just me. I guess it's easy to go out and meet people when you do it out of your free time and hard to go out and meet people knowing that it's a duty.

I missed being the carefree person who'll visit people and walk around USM like it's a mall. I really wish the passion will come back and not hide behind my tasks and responsibilities. I'm glad to have friends around me to pull me up when I'm down though.

Anyways, I have been BUSY BUSY BUSY, so much so that my roommates and neighbours started telling me that it's so hard to see me in my room nowadays.

I wished I can stay in too and not go out to see people. But it's my last year and there's a lot of things I need to do. I enjoyed my time being around my friends but I guess deep down, I need alone time. I need time that I can do things at my own pace, walk at my own pace and just be carefree. Has been a long time since I last admire the beauty of God's creation while walking to class. I guess that's what I need instead of running to one place to another and rushing to settle one thing after another.

And....I can finally blog!!!

Reality sets in

Lots of work.
Lots of responsibilities.
Lots of deadlines.
Lots of pressure.
Lots of energy drawn out.

Even I couldn't take it anymore.

Could be PMS, could be lil mood swings, could be stress, could be anything really. Maybe just emo season?

But I think I need a good cry. At least now, today. I will be okay tomorrow. I'm only emo in my room. In person, I'm usually quite chirpy and noisy and bubbly. Maybe that's why Grandma Eu Pui once told me 'It's okay to be not okay'. I've always wanted to show that I am okay because I hate people asking me why I am not okay. I don't like to appear weak. I want people to think that I can do fine even if I do it alone.

Maybe I do need to stop pretending. I do need to stop putting up a tough face. Like even the clouds are going to fall on me, I can still be okay.

If I am not okay in front of you, that's because I decided that I can be not okay in front of you and you are not going to judge me. I will really appreciate it if you don't ask me about this. =) I just need a space to vent out my emptiness.

NEED.TO.REDUCE.EMO.POSTS.

Maybe I am not as okay as I pretend to be.

When I smile, maybe I was just trying to avoid questions.

ps: It might be workload. It's never fun to look at my to-do list.

I'm sick of

being singled out and be blamed for everything.

Try it for yourself. Try to be singled out from everyone for things you didn't do although there are other people around who could have done it. Sometimes it's just a friendly hey, go do it, sometimes it's scolding.

It's not only the blame, but everything. I tried to surpress myself but maybe you'll only understand the day you are being treated like that. Perhaps you might think I'm being bad tempered or grumpy or naughty but really, trust me, I believe this is one of the feelings you'll only understand the day you got treated the same way.

And no, I don't need advices comment because I know what I'm doing and for now, I feel this is bothering me so let me be. Let me express it.

The truth is

she's just chicken.

All the excuses carefully planned and crafted to make it seems like there's no way.

But under all these thick layers of excuses and pretense is just a girl who is afraid, who is hiding.

And no one is strong enough to pull her out, yet. At least that's what she believes.

Sometimes it's easier to say 'No', than to say 'Yes', puts her hopes high and be thrown down from the clouds.

Sometimes, she's tired and she wants to quit. But can she? Is she brave enough to quit all this pretense, to quit telling people 'No', to quit pushing people away.

You thought it won't hurt anymore

but somehow, it still does.

I guess it's better to leave it alone and it'll heal, eventually.

**************
Weather is insane, mind not right, mood not here, time all wrong. Haih, not a very good study break.

*Note to self: GO LIBRARY TOMORROW MORNING!

Where is my ngoi sam leong cha?

(Glos for the title) Where is my love heart cold tea?
Meaning: Where is my herbal tea from love one?

T_T One of those days when I wish I'm prettier and have someone to buy me herbal tea wtcrap?! With hot weather and sickness lurking around, I'm more moody than I usually am.

I wish my pictures are nice even when I don't manipulate the angle and the lighting. Quote from weiwei, "cheating people with your fake picture".

=(

I'm not greedy, I just wish I look just like my picture. Without angle-ing. I wish for so many things. I wish for a stand fan in my room. Am I too greedy? Am I too demanding? I guess I'm just sick.

I don't wish for something to make me smile, I just wish for something that won't make me frown.

ps: eh can see my bulu tangan. /shy

Charlie got me. AGAIN.

Sigh, after an enjoyable weekend, I realized Mr. Charlie, not my dad, got me again. =( Itch itch itch. Wasted my one hour at the clinic today.

Let's not talk about sad stuff, let's talk about...SHOPPING!!!!It has been almost half a year since I last shopped for shoes. I am so happy I got 3 pairs of very much needed *looks at my old pecah shoe* shoes. Seriously, any girls who hang out with me knows how badly 'injured' my shoes are. Hehe.

Not to mention we spent quite a lot at the Parkson sales on Friday. Worth it because we did not buy those things we don't need. Bought neccessities. =P But then, it did shred my sister's pocket. Poor girl, face use such good products, what to do?

6 days to CNY!!! Can't wait. Need to go back and clean room but....love love love. Lots of work to do during the break but still, holiday is love. =)

=)

Wheee sunglass

Love love love the lighting. So fair. Happy.

ps: Camwhorer is back. Camwhore in toilet and camwhore in the car shamelessly, that's the key. =) *waves*

Emo-ness is contagious

=( I was not that emotionally affected since I did not know any of the boys who were involved in the dragon boat incident. And since I am so cut out of the life outside (because I don't usually read newspapers or watch news), it was just okay, someone died, it's sad but...not that high impact on me.

Then I had to go and read what others write and now I am emo. Emo-ness is contagious.

Life is so fragile and it's the Big guy up there who knows why all these are happening and we will never be able to comprehend all these with our tiny human minds. The most we can do is live each day with no regrets.

And to live each day with no regrets,
a. I have to stop worrying about my assignments (which is not gonna happen anytime soon because  I am a worry-freak)
b. Spend more time with love ones (which is hard because of a.)
c. Do the things I like to do (including b. but it's hard because of a.)

=( But there's one tiny little thing I can do. I love you all, my friends, my family, people who walked into my life and left footprints, whether you like me or not, I appreciate all of you. *hugs*

*covers face with pillow*

Results are out

Finally I know how it feels to be the one expecting to see nice grades but got a terrible one instead. It's not like I've been getting nice grades but I wasn't expecting for nice grades when I was in secondary school. Basically because I did not really study for exam before. But now, somehow it makes me feel like all the effort I put in is not shown on the result paper. I won't deny that I am disappointed.

I shouldn't have put high hopes. I shouldn't have let myself under the control of my results. I hate this. It's ok that I did not get 3.5, I did not expect to get 3.5 again this semester because seriously, none of my papers are really the paper I thought I scored but I am disappointed with several papers that I thought I did okay but the result did not show the same.

I'm so sick of judging myself based on my results. I hate this shit. =( So what if I got 3.19 for this semester? So what if my CGPA is now 3.45 only. So what? Is that the end of everything? I still have to go back to USM and study for the next semester, I still have to take the next paper. I still have more disappointments ahead.

Not in the mood to joke around or be joked around.

It's here again

Every single sound, every single little thing is getting on my nerve. I need to space out before I get angry at people.

This sucks because I'm packing and when you are in such a foul mood, packing will not be a good thing to do because everything will just seems wrong!!!!!!! I hate this shit.

I really should practise driving

Especially changing gears and controlling the clutch and accelerator. I don't want to be scolded again on Monday and hear him saying mean things to me.

It can be quite a heartache to hear people step you nicely without bothering how you feel. I hope everything will go smoothly on Monday. =( I hate this more than anything!!!!

Back to basics

and I suck badly and miserably at it.

Remarks from uncle:

- I think it's better you get an auto car.
- Walao, you always like that, what I earn from you is not enough to repair my car okay?
- I told you to step the clutch all the way.
- You have to balance the clutch and the accelerator one.
- You know, there's 3 groups of drivers. One-Keng, Two-Normal, Three-Lousy. You belong to the group 3.



T____________T And I've got another 2 hour lesson with him tomorrow. I hate driving. I'm gonna be rich and hire drivers!!!!!!!

PMS sucks big time

I hate PMS. I have worst PMS ever. It'll be there like entire week before your relative comes and insane la. One whole week ok? Cannot like one two days ar? Or three days. Must be one whole week. And I get very grumpy because my PMS includes:-

- tummy cramps (and that's when I stop knowing when I'm hungry because I don't know it's hungry or just another cramp)

- Body aches (from head to toe :- as though you just fought with a dragon or lion or tiger like that insane)

- Headaches

- Uncertainties (because you know that relative of yours is just around the corner but you don't know if she wants to come in kinda thing)

- Discomforts

- Chills

- Flatulence (bloating and all but I got that most of the time so...bad tummy I got there)

One of the days when being a girl sucks big time. =( Exam 3 days continuously, then I'll come back and blog my 1000th post. Since it's the 1000th post, might do some walking down the memory lane thingie and celebrate it la.

Let me just curl up and hate self for being a girl. Oh cannot, exam, crap. And there's a lizard staring at me. Sucks.

Hardworking Ping Ping studying. Till then.

ps: I'll be glad to be a girl when I get to dress up, make-up, scream while watching horror movies, scream when I saw a lizard, and whine about being moody.

One week to madness

And I should feel it already!!!

*Eh, bencilah Singapore drama lah, Taiwan drama lah, Korean drama lah. Stop so lovey dovey can? Such guys don't exist la, come on, stupid meh? Come back to reality.*

See? Nonsense okay? It's exam time, I should feel the stress, I should feel my blood rushing up my brain, I should feel all that. But no, I know it's there but I don't know, I'm scared but I just can't feel it. It feels like I don't know what I've studied this semester. I've slacked too much.

I need you girls to come back and bring the Ping Ping you girls know back. She is a bit down, a bit out, a bit not here. =(( And she knows exactly what made her feel like that and she's allowing it.

I feel like crying

really. I was all happy, chirpy and bubbly before 12.50a.m. Then I decided to google this UTAR boy, James Khor, who was from Penang and was drowned.

I read through the posts his friends wrote about him and suddenly I felt like crying. I mean I know God has His plans for us (I don't know if the boy is a believer), but it makes me feel so. I don't know, like we won't know what will happen tomorrow. He knows best but sometimes one just can't help but to wonder, what's in store for tomorrow? Will I wake up tomorrow, walk to library like I always do, meet up with a friend or two, share jokes and laughter? Will all these happen?

Suddenly I miss all of you all over the world, my friends, people who stood by me through thick or thin, people who accepted me for being Ping Ping, people who love me so dearly.

I know, I'm so easily affected but it's just one of those days I feel life is very fragile and even if we know we will eventually go back to Him, we are still human and we will still have love and heart for those on earth.

I should get some sleep.

Always fall for the wrong guy

W.R.O.N.G. So wrong.

Good thing that I saw saranghaeyo so many times today. Sorry wei, pinjam a while. Need it to make me feel better.

1 down, 5 more to go.
*turns on study mode*
Since I've given up on finding the one, I need to study hard to get good results, secure a good job, earn a lot of money and cheer myself up.


Ok la, I just want to earn a lot of money because I saw one super nice house and now it's my dream home. If I cannot marry a rich husband to get a house like that, I'll just have to get it for myself.

***********
HAHAHAHHA
Quote Wei Wei: One paper done nia, macam whole finals finish.

Lol, all the sleep early, throw notes away is happening already. I gave my book to my friend already. HAHA.

My face is ruined!!

Was not pretty before this. Then now become ugly. T____T

Like got chicken pox like that. I got the shock of my life when I see myself on the mirror. Those who are about to see me, be prepared ok? Don't get heart attack from seeing me.

<3